More Aquarium Drama

The little / loner Fire fish died today.

I'm not sure when. We found him when we went to feed them tonight. I took him out & saved him on a piece of toilet paper. Jake wants to bury him. It prompted lots more sadness and tears and Jacob saying he wished we got a freshwater tank because he thinks those fish are not as fragile :(

Poor little dude (my son, not the fish.)

I think he was OK by the time he went to bed. It definitely helped to have him see the fish dead in the water & approve me taking it out and them to examine it dead on the counter.

On a possibly related note - the top rock and some of the sand is very green. I just noticed this today too. I think it is probably not the cause of little "Fire's" death and is being caused by too much sunlight. I'll put towels up in his windows tomorrow to reduce the light until we get blinds. We need to talk to Randy and see what to do to fix it. Are we also supposed to have something rotting still in there? There isn't any salmon left.

We gotta keep on top of this. Aside from the monetary investment that we could lose, our son's little heart will break beyond repair!

Running

The cross country season has begun here and the meets (is that what you call them here - we always just called them races) are on Tuesday afternoons / evenings at the same time as Jacob & Jane have soccer practice.

I have to admit that I am wistful as they start and tend to look over longingly more than once. Last week I told the kids "I used to do that. Before I had you all, I was a runner but now I can't because of my knees." I've shared stories with them of my running days and they know that I really loved to run.

We left Jacob at practice and pulled out of the park to go get Emily from achievement days. The runners were all on the trail by the road out as we drove past.

I said "Jane, I would love it if you ran cross country one day."

She replied "I can't Mom, I'll be too busy taking care of animals." (She wants to be a vet.)

I told her "You don't have to wait to do it when you are an adult, you can run cross country when you are in high school." 

Then in a very condescending tone she said "Mom, I really don't think I'm going to have time to run ACROSS the country!"

I just love that spunky little girl!

Weak at the Knees.

On April 27th I had knee surgery.

My FOURTH in 10 years.

I have osteoarthritis and have had knee issues since I was pregnant with Emily. Actually, the first 3 of my knee surgeries were after each of the last 3 kids were born (being pregnant hammered my knees and is one reason Rick didn't really want to have any more kids.)

{iPhone Photo. Afternoon of the surgery}
My leg isn't that freakishly huge. Its' pretty swollen but I think mostly just the camera angle.

Jacob brought me a flower to help me feel better. Darling boy.

{iPhone Photo}

Jane visited me on the couch and told me stories. She loves to carry her baby around in her sling and hear about how she LIVED in hers for the first 8 months of her life!

{iPhone Photo}

After my surgery I came home still pretty groggy and slept on and off the rest of the day. The next day the Dr. called to let me know how things had gone. He said "Your knees have further deteriorated. The arthritis is very bad. There's pretty much nowhere to go from here except total knee replacement." 

I wasn't really expecting that and I think I was in shock because I didn't really respond or ask questions. He said because of my age and the fact I have young kids at home we should try and put it off as long as possible and to come in three weeks for follow up. Then he hung up.

I spent the next few days feeling pretty sorry for myself. How was I supposed to get a surgery that required a 6 month recuperation period? How am I supposed to take care of my kids with limited mobility? We just started building a 4 story house. Should I plan on putting in an elevator? Seriously, I am really still young. OLD people get knee replacements - not me. "As long as possible." What does that mean? 6 months? 10 years? Jane would be 15 in ten years. That would be OK. ... you get the picture. I was depressed and self absorbed.


Part of my knee therapy is to ride a bike, since I can't do anything that is high (or even moderate) impact. A few days later I was riding the bike (slowly because it was still very painful to straighten my leg) and reached for the Ensign to read. There was an article on Infertility. I know several people who have struggled with Infertility and it's in my field, so I flipped to it. As I read Melody Linton relate her experience and say 
  
“I began to think, ‘Why not me?’ I’m strong enough to handle this."

Tears began to flow and I felt selfish for the wallowing in pity I had been doing. Why not me? I questioned myself. Did I expect to have a life free from trials? Would I even want that if it were possible? I knew I did not. The trails I have experienced in my life have taught me and stretched me and helped me grow. My life is rich with blessings. I have a husband I adore, who worships me. Four great kids who are healthy and doing well. We have a loving and supportive extended family and lots of great friends. Rick has a good job and we are building a wonderful new house. I reminded myself I am strong enough to handle this and instantly felt the burden of self pity lift from me.
I knew I could face this challenge and make the best of it.

It is still hard. I am in pain all the time - sometimes severe and sometimes just a mild throb. I can't run. Ever again. I can't ski (I am unrealistically hoping I get to the point that I can do the bunny runs with Jane ....) I'm supposed to take the elevator instead of the stairs, park as close as I can to the grocery store doors, and not lift my kids. Oh, and ride my bike each day and rest my knees for 8 hours at night. Yeah right!

I am trying my best to follow the directions I was given. I am grateful that we are building a house that will have a gym in it, so I can do what's best for my knees (and put the dog on the treadmill while I do, since walking Millie is also on my list of forbidden activities.) My knees "snap, crackle and pop" and I often have a limp at the end of a busy day. I am appreciative of the mobility I DO have and working to keep it as long as I can.

Tonights Dishes

{iPhone photo}

Can you tell we've had some sick kids around here?

Still Winter Here ....

The ice did get worse today. Much worse. It's actually treacherous to venture out my front door.

Danger aside, I think that the ice is just beautiful. I love how it has evenly coated every branch of all the trees (& coated everything else as well.) I think it makes them look magical.

And we're also just loving all the icicles that are forming outside our windows to look at.

Not so fast .....

January 7th 2011

I leave a comment on my friend Jen's blog telling her how great it is when your kids get a bit bigger & don't get into as much trouble. I reassure her that it will get easier over time.

January 8th 2011

Another snow day for the kids with no school. I get up with them & get them breakfast. It's coming down hard outside & I'm sure we won't be going anywhere for the day.

It's still dark outside (my kids get up early.) My bundle of blankets and cozy bed is calling to me. Rick had stayed home (working from home due to the weather) and is still in bed. I contemplate another hour of sleep snuggled up to Rick & decide to plop them in front of the TV for an hour.

One hour later ....

Emily wakes up & comes in to ask me if it's a snow day. I tell her yes, wake myself up and head downstairs. To quite the sight. Jacob & Jane have helped themselves to a little party from the food storage room and there were wrappers everywhere.

We had anticipated the snow day (due to dire storm warnings the night before) and I had told the kids before going to bed that we would spend the morning cleaning the house, but we could watch a movie and have popcorn in the afternoon. Jacob & Jane had decided to get a jump on the cleaning.

They had taken spray bottles of laundry stain remover and sprayed it on all the walls, the entire carpet, the glass patio doors, the silver picture frames, all the wooden closet doors, the TV .... you name it, it was covered in laundry spray (which, for the record is NOT easy to remove from non-laundry items.) No pictures of that - I was too mad to think of getting the camera!

Having emptied several full spray bottles all over the basement they had moved on to other endeavors.

This for instance.

It is a cup from their bath toys filled with water and over a dozen "pet jellyfish" aka my contact lenses. The brand new one's I'd just ordered.  The picture is a little blurry - but I figured they'd added about $60 worth as their "pets."

 They had also created an "arctic version." This is a glass filled with Oxyclean and water - and more contacts (see the semi transparent things sticking out from the side?) I don't know how many contacts they put in here - because the thing had set SOLID.

They were completely un-repentant and quite impressed with their work!

Needless to say, we all spent a long time cleaning that morning. Hopefully they learned their lesson.
Hopefully I learned my lesson too - it's never worth it to leave them unsupervised!

(You would really think I would have that one down by now.)

Playdate Gone Bad

On Wednesday we had the best worst play-date ever.

My darling friend Laura needed to go into the city on a date with her husband, so I told her to just bring her 3 kids here. My kids adore hers and they are really great kids. We could all eat together, then they could fall asleep here & She & Alan could pick them up late that night.

We were all so excited for our big day. I don't let my kids have sleepovers (real ones - we usually just do a late night), but to the kids this was totally a sleep over. They counted down for days before. We figured out where everyone would go to bed and Emily even chose a library book (Wednesday is her library day at school) to read to the kids that night.

Laura & Alan get a fun date together + fun for all of us = recipe for a perfect night.

Well, it started out well. We all ate dinner & the kids were laughing and having fun and we had Tim Tams for dessert (I have addicted her kids to those yummy Australian favs of mine.) After dinner I took Jane, Abby & Andrew to the bathtub and told the 3 bigger kids to go play while I got the little guys ready. Jake wanted to play video games, but our x-box is broken. It had been a day of perfect weather, so I suggested they go out and jump on the trampoline until it was their turn for a bath.

I had just finished filling up the tub & putting in the 3 younger one's when I heard the other kids come in and Connor crying. Hard. I went down to see what had happened and instantly told Emily to run and get our neighbor, Elaine. I wasn't sure if his arm was dislocated or broken - but it was more than hyper-extended. I looked closely and could see the ridge of the distal end of his humerus pushing up through the skin. I figured 95% broken - maybe still a chance it was just dislocated. Seriously, I've never seen a joint look like that. Either way we needed to go to the ER right away.

I sat him on my lap and cradled his arm on top of mine to immobilize the bones in a way that seemed to hurt the least. It was almost 7, so I was hoping Rick was on his way home. I called him and he was already on the train. Elaine arrived by then and I asked her to go watch the kids in the tub and stay with them all until Rick got back. Then I called Laura and told her Connor had broken his arm and to meet me at the hospital. I had to say it a couple of times. I think it didn't quite sink in the 1st time. (Not exactly the call she was expecting.)

I pulled out my keys (still holding Connor) to go and realized there was no way I could drive him to the hospital and keep his arm immobile at the same time. So, we called 911. Actually, I called them 3 times. Since my cell was already in my hand I used that but as soon as they answered, it dropped the call. That happened a second time - then Elaine ran for the house phone for me. I told them I was watching my friends 6yr old son, he had fallen off the trampoline and broken his arm and I needed an ambulance.

I have no worries that I can always get help in my town. Rick says "When you call the Fire Department here - they send the Fire Department!" They sent 2 police cars, 2 fire engines an ambulance and a paramedic van. Really, of all the men milling around in our living room, only 1 was helpful - an EMT who did a great job. He put a line in Connor (unfortunately took 2 attempts) and gave him some morphine. Then, they tried to figure out how to move him. The break was right at his elbow, so any typical splint would hurt more to put on. I suggested they just move us both and keep using my arm as the splint, since that seemed to be working (there was no way I was going to let them take him without me anyway!) They agreed, and I figured they'd just sit me in the back of the ambulance holding him. Nope, they lifted us up, put us both on the gurney and strapped us down. Quite the spectacle!

Once we were in the ambulance the morphine kicked in and Connor calmed down and got very sleepy. It was a relief, the poor little guy hadn't wanted to go in the ambulance until his Mom got there - it took a lot of talking to get him happy with the idea of her meeting him there. I also knew that Laura would be beside herself wanting to get to him, (they were in traffic heading home) and knowing how upset he was (she had talked to him on the phone while they placed the IV.) I talked to the EMT as we drove & thought of asking him to take a picture of us in the ambulance - but decided against it. I didn't want to seem weird or like I didn't care about Connor's situation.


Other than the morphine for the ride, the other huge advantage of being brought in by ambulance was that we were taken right back to the ER and seen straight away. Fortunately, I know Connor's birth-date and address, most of his medical history and his approximate weight and height (I guessed and just did a little less than Jacob's.) From now on, I'm asking for drug allergies for any kids staying at my house! After their initial exam they took us back to x-ray. I was still holding Connor's arm in exactly the same position (it had been about an hour) but had to get out from under him and put his arm down for them to x-ray it. He had been doing well until then - but I know moving it made it hurt more. He was really doing great at being brave and letting us know which position hurt the least. Laura texted me to get a picture of him if I could. I knew then that she wasn't mad at me that it had happened at our house and wished I had asked the EMT for that picture after all ....

{iPhone photo}

{iPhone photo}

{iPhone photo}

Just as we were finishing the x-rays Laura & Alan arrived.We waited back in his room in the ER until the Dr. came in with the news. The break was bad - several places, including his wrist (I hadn't even suspected the wrist!) He would require surgery. They were going to have to transfer him to a pediatric hospital, where a peds ortho surgeon could set the bones. Poor Connor. We stayed until they were ready to head out to the ambulance with him and then went home (about 10pm). Connor didn't get into surgery until 8am the next morning, and was in the hospital until later that evening. He had 3 pins put in his arm, and will need x-rays as he heels to make sure it's still OK - but should make a full recovery. Thanks goodness.

Abby and Andrew stayed the night and most of the next day with us. Abby woke up in the night & woke up Andrew. They just crawled into bed with me (Jane was already there.) With THREE kids in the bed, Rick left & headed to the spare mattress!  I thought they'd be upset to wake up still at our house when they were supposed to have gone home - but they were completely fine. When we were getting dressed and making beds Andrew was jumping on the spare, then he climbed on the table when we had a snack. It was killing me - I kept saying "Andrew stay still, I cannot call your mother and tell her about another injury!" We went to their place to get clothes for them (I have a key) and take out Bristol (the puppy) and then just hung out and played until it was time to go to story time at the library. Later in the day Alan came to get them and take them to see Connor.

The whole family was re-united that night, but Connor was still pretty uncomfortable for a few days after & ended up missing a week of school altogether.

So, we bought the safest trampoline we could find and it's dug into the ground on the side the kids get in & out, so it's only about 2 feet up. We have all parents sign a release form before their kids can jump (mostly to be sure we have their permission for their kids to be jumping.) We have rules about the number of kids who can jump at once (4), and no mixing of big + little kids while jumping. There's no fighting or rough play allowed and nothing else is allowed to be taken into the net area (sticks, lightsabers, food, etc). I thought we'd done everything to prevent accidents.

The next day we figured out what had happened. Emily, Jacob & Connor had been playing on the tramp. Emily had her eyes closed trying to find them. Connor and Jacob thought they could trick her and get out. Connor got out of the net first and Jacob followed. Emily (still inside the net with her eyes closed) was feeling around for them. She bumped into / tried to grab Jacob (not realizing he was outside the net), who bumped into Conner. Connor was already crouching down ready to jump off. Being bumped by Jake pitched him forwards (off balance) and he just landed on his arm in a way that it caused so much damage. So now we have a new rule. When anyone is getting on or off the trampoline they need to yell "STOP, I'm getting on / off." Everyone has to stop jumping while they get on or off - then play can resume.

Here's what I've decided. Of course I'm devastated that Connor got hurt - and more so because it was at our house while I was being responsible for him. Yet, I don't really feel guilty so much, because I don't think I was being negligent. We will keep the tramp (with the new rule) and hope that no one else gets hurt. Jane broke her arm jumping from our coffee table to the couch. Kids sometimes get hurt and as adults we do everything in our power to prevent that and keep them safe and teach them to be safe - but even with all of that accidents happen. It's why they call them accidents. Of course, this attitude has been greatly helped by the fact that Laura and Alan did not blame me at all. Laura knows I love her kids and would never intentionally let harm come to them. They've come over to play since, and I hope (when he's all healed) that Connor and Jacob will have many more happy play dates where they jump on the trampoline.

Our whole family is lucky to have such good friends.

Tired.

I am always amazed at the places Jane can sleep soundly - that are NOT her bed.

She is hands down the worst sleeper in our family. All of my kids have slept in bed with me until they weaned (around 2 years old) and then very easily transitioned into their own beds. Not Jane. She seeks me out wherever I am. She wakes up 5 or 6 times a night and comes looking for me. She usually ends up on the couch or floor in the basement if I am doing laundry (above) or the office floor if I am working in there (below.)

"I am so tired." Is the thought that runs through my head most often during the day. I thought about it recently - about how much harder it is becoming for me to get by on little sleep and if it's due to aging or just being worn down over time. Then I realized that I have been getting up multiple times a night for over 6 years - since Jacob was not yet sleeping through the night when Jane was born.

Man, no wonder I'm tired.

I hatched a 2 part plan to get myself some sleep, which I am hoping will improve my overall health - particularly that of my joints. (I'm sure my attitude can only improve with more sleep too!)

STEP ONE  - Rebekah needs to get her drivers license (and start driving herself to early morning seminary, 4am ski trips, YW's on Wednesday nights, cast parties and other late night events.)

STEP TWO - Jane needs to sleep through the night. In her own bed.

I've never believed in letting my kids "cry it out" - even Ferber himself said that what "Ferberizing" has become was not what he had intended. Anyway, about a year ago we did try it with Jane - in desperation. She screamed with 110% intensity for 3-4 hours for 2 nights & then we gave up. Firstly, with that going on she had everyone in the house awake - and with work, school, seminary, etc for the rest of us we couldn't all be up all night. Secondly, I couldn't keep it up when it's just not something I believe in. My heart was not in it, and I just couldn't put her or myself through it.

So, my new tactic. WHATEVER IT TAKES. She has very vivid nightmares and looks for me for comfort to go back to sleep. I needed her to get in the habit of staying in bed, realizing it was just a dream and going back to sleep. I decided the best way would be gradual separation.

I hauled the spare mattress into her room and put it right up against her little bed. I spent a week of nights like that. Actually not bad sleep, since each time she woke up I just had to reach out and hold her hand (requiring very little wakefulness.)

After a week I moved into Emily's bed across the room, but pulled Jane's bed into the center of the room. A week later - her bed was back on her side and I was still in Emily's bed. (Em was temporarily shifted to my bed.) Each morning that she woke up having stayed in her bed even if she had woken and I had gone to her for comfort, she got a small prize (a tub of new play dough, a plastic animal, a new polly pocket, a treat.)

I am delighted to report that for the last 2 nights she has slept in her bed and I in mine. Each member of this family has been in their own bed the entire night. I know it's only been 2 nights - and maybe a little too early for celebration, but this is the most progress we've ever had!

We leave on Sunday for vacation and I am a little worried about regression while we are gone, but hope even if she's "off" while we're away, she will quickly get back into it when we get home.

More than anything this experience has confirmed something about mothering (at least my mothering) that I have been thinking a lot more about lately. Each child really needs to be individually parented. They each come with their own sets of talents and challenges. What works for one (or 3) may not work for another. Of course, we will always have family rules, guidelines, standards and goals but they will sometimes need to be altered a little with each child. My challenge and goal as a mother is to discover what works best for each of them, and then do it.

 Now with a little more sleep under my belt, I feel fully equipped to do just that.

NY Weather

It's no secret that my adjustment to living in NY was slow and painful. After almost 12 years of living here, I am quite at home and happy and can't imagine our family living anywhere else.

However, there is one thing that I will probably never adjust to - and that is NY weather. It is bitterly cold and freezing for about 5 months of the year and super sticky hot & humid for about another 5 - 6 months of the year. (Man, oh man do we ever enjoy those few nice weeks!)

Other than it's just not nice very much - it is also completely unpredictable and can be 78 and sunny one day with a freak snowstorm the next (usually in April, right as all my bulbs have bloomed, killing them swiftly.)

We've had that kind of crazy weather lately.

BIG STORM # 1

I LOVE snow. As far as I'm concerned, there's no point in it being cold if it isn't going to snow. It doesn't really snow that much here, but every now & then we get dumped on.

February 25th - there had been dire predictions of a big storm all week. It's so funny here the way people panic if they think it's going to snow. Everyone rushes to the store and buys lots of milk and bread. I don't get it. Anyway, I usually ignore the storm predictions - because more often than not, they are wrong. That Thursday afternoon it had started snowing and they sent all the kids home early from school (seriously - they freak out.) We enjoyed having after school activities canceled and a chance to stay home and just play as a family. As I went to bed it was still coming down hard, but I wasn't counting on a snow day for the following day - too often I've done that and been disappointed.

Well, we ended up getting over 2 feet of snow in 24 hours and it was WONDERFUL for us. I know a lot of areas had issues, like trees falling and loss of power (and later, flooding as it all melted.) I felt mildly guilty that we were so well off but all we did was stay home and play. Rick worked from home, we watched TV, played games, made cinnamon rolls, hung out together and enjoyed a break from the routine. Rick went out periodically to shovel (bless his heart) and bek made money shoveling for neighbors who she has a standing arrangement with. Jacob asked her to shovel a lot and "... make one billion dollars. So we can buy all the Lego in the world."

Our snowstorm / snow day tradition is to make cinnamon rolls. This year Emily made a batch all by herself (I made the dough, but she did the rest.)

They turned out great - and we took some frosted & fresh out of the oven to our neighbors who were shoveling.

Hooray for snow days!

BIG STORM #2

April 14th - a typical Sunday morning. Rick had left by 6:30am for his High Council duties and I slept as long as I could after the kids had woken up until they were sticking their little faces right up to mine and begging for breakfast.

We were all getting ready for church when the phone rang. It was the Bishop announcing that they were canceling the 2nd two hours of church due to the extreme weather and just having a brief sacrament meeting with testimonies for those who wished to attend. Rick has been on the high council for 6 years. Most Sundays I get the kids ready & take them to church by myself. It took me 3.2 seconds to decide we did not want to go out in the 70 mph winds and rain to do that and it would be a "break day" for me. Not long after that I received several e-mails and a call from our home teacher to let me know that the town our chapel is in had declared a state of emergency and were only allowing essential vehicles on the road and that church was indeed, cancelled.

Rick came home a little later and we all had a very relaxing family day. After the rain stopped later that day, we ventured for a walk to check it out. We were very lucky not to have lost power, any trees or had any wind damage to our house. Most of our friends and neighbors were not so lucky. Our poor Bishops family (5 kids, and the youngest only 2 months old) had no power for 6 days after this!

A section of someone's roof that had blown off (and been stopped by the tree.)

There were power lines down everywhere!

This tree took power out for this street just up from our house, where two families in our ward live. Probably about 1/2 our ward lost power, heat and hot water. It was Wednesday before most people had their power back on. School was canceled Monday and had a delayed start Tuesday - mostly because of all the downed power lines and trees covering roads making it dangerous to travel. My town was not as badly hit as the one just over from us (where the church is.) Seminary was canceled for 3 days, as were all Wed night activities, since the building had no heat or electricity. SO MANY huge trees came down, taking chunks of the sidewalk with them.

THIS WEEK

 A water main burst, and all the kids were sent home from school early again on Monday. We've all been told to boil our water before using it or to use bottled water for 3 days. We're usually devoted SIGG users, but I did go buy a bunch of bottled water. We should be back to normal soon.


So, we've learned that electricity, heat and fresh water are nice things to have!


Phew - what next?
Hurry up spring and summer. Oh wait - they're just as unpredictable as any other season around here!

Hanging by a Thread

My poor blog is seriously neglected.

So many things from summer I want to post. So many things from the past few weeks.

We should probably not even mention my even more neglected meal planning blog!

We got home from our trip 3 weeks ago. Rick went camping with Emily. The car went in for repair - twice. I got it detailed. Then the whole family took it camping. Four of us got coughs & colds. Which was followed by 3 of the kids getting the "throw ups." I've been to the dentist 5 times. School started. Piano started. Swimming started. Bek got the lead in the school play (again - way to go bek!) - so rehearsals have started. Early morning seminary started. I signed Jane up for story time at the library. We started construction on the side of the house. I started a serious exercise program. It's almost midnight & I haven't even seen Rick today (I was still sleeping when he left at 5:45am this morning.) The house is a disaster and the laundry is piled up everywhere.

AAAAAGGGGHHH!

The one thing that has not started is pre-school. Well, they started on Monday, but both just went for an hour. The rest of this week Jane is still in "phase-in" so she just goes an hour a day - which, quite frankly, is more annoying than if she were just home because they start at 12:30, Jane finishes at 1:30 and then Jacob finishes at 3. Pretty much not enought time to go anywhere, but sit in the car and answer e-mails on my phone. Next week they'll be up to regular time & I'll get a "breather" Monday, Wednesday & Friday afternoons.

Maybe then I'll manage to get a little blogging done....... After I figure out what's going on with the pictures!

Goodbye Pumpkin

Our sweet Pumpkin died on Friday morning.
She was such a great pet. We are all very sad, and will miss her so much.

Here's what happened.

On Thursday morning Rebekah came to me and told me that she thought Pumpkin was sick - that she had been lying still in her cage and wouldn't open her eyes. I was hurrying out to the pool with the other 3, so told her to clean her out and make sure she had lots of clean fresh bedding, and give her fresh water.

While we were at the pool Bek text (texted?) me several times to tell me she really thought she was sick. Rebekah LOVES Pumpkin and played with her every day. I trusted her judgment, and that she would be the one to tell if anything was wrong. Yet, I wasn't sure what to do. I knew hamsters got something they call "wet tail" which is basically diarrhea and is almost always fatal, but other than that .....

I called a vet while we were still at the pool - they didn't see hamsters, but gave me the number of another vet that did. I called them and they had an appointment for 2pm. It would be $95 to have her seen. I called Rick and was happy to get his voice mail.

"Hi Babe. We'retakingthehamstertothevet, it's$95, justwantedtorunitbyyou.Bye."

When we got home I googled "sick hamster" and decided taking her to the vet was the best thing - if it was something bacterial, she'd stand the best chance getting on an antibiotic early. We loaded up and went.

When the vet saw her she asked how old she was. I told her 2 1/2, and she said "So you know she's a pretty old hamster." I was surprised, when we bought her I was sure that the pet store girl had said they could live from 2 - 5 yrs. The vet's response was "If you had a 5yr old hamster it would be in the Guinness Book of Records. I've never seen one over 3."

The vet told us it was not wet tail, and that actually Pumpkin seemed to be a relatively healthy hamster - alert and curious, comfortable being held, bright eyes, etc. She had some blood discharging from her bottom, so she thought it was something internal - maybe bladder stones or maybe something uterine, like cancer. The only way to tell would be x-rays. The x-rays were $230. What will they tell us, and what would we do with that information, I asked? We would know what was wrong, and the action to correct it would be surgery. Expensive surgery, that may or may not save her life.

Here comes the hard part as a parent. I really believe that if you are going to get a pet - any pet - that you need to take absolute full responsibility for it's life. One of the reasons I want my kids to have pets is to learn compassion, to love & care for something selflessly, and then to also experience death - a normal part of life. Standing there in the vets office with them and the pet they love so much, it was much harder for me, than I thought it would be.

I decided NOT to do the x-rays. I wasn't about to pay for surgery, and didn't think it would be fair to put her through it, so no point in knowing what else it might be. We decided to do a stool sample to let us know if it was anything bacterial, and they gave her a shot of SQ fluids to help hydrate her and sent us home with special fortified food, and a formula to syringe feed her if she wasn't eating. The final bill was $220 (best to not even show it to Rick.)

We took her home. She was eating a little, but I didn't see her drink. I gave her some water through the syringe. We filled her cage & strawberry bed with white paper towel, as the vet had instructed, to be able to see anything unusual. She was lethargic, and mostly just stayed in her strawberry. For everyone who's ever spent the night at our place - you will understand how odd it was for us not to have the sound of her wheel squeaking as she ran in it that night. Rebekah said she saw her walk towards it, but couldn't get more than her front paws up on it, and left it.


Rebekah slept on the floor next to her cage that night.


The next morning, she was pretty much the same, but moving around even less. Around 10:15am, Rebekah called me. Pumpkin was lying on her side in her hands. She was dead. She died with Bek holding her. I called the other kids and we cried, and each held her & said goodbye. We told her how much we loved her, and what a great pet she had been.

We buried her on Saturday morning. Under the maple tree in our front yard, that we all love so much. We had named her Pumpkin because of her color and because it was a name Jacob could say (remember he couldn't talk when he was 2). In the fall that tree turns the most glorious orange colors, and we always put our jack-o-lanterns out by it. That will help us think of her.

I wrapped her in a piece of cloth cut from a dress that had been both Emily & Jane's. We had a little memorial. Rick said a prayer, and we all said goodbye to her again. We put a rock over the spot (I'm planning on getting one with her name carved on it for there,) then each put a flower on her grave. Jacob stuck his in the ground in front of it - and of course, Jane followed suit.
I sobbed.

Really, 24 hours of sickness is pretty merciful, and I'm glad she wasn't sick longer. We loved her and I think she had a good life with us.


Our Darling Pumpkin.

April 2007 - July 2009

This is how we will remember you.

Another pet is definitely in our future, but we're going to wait a while before we decide on anything.

Crib

Jane has been sleeping in a toddler bed for about 4 months - well "sleeping" may be an exaggeration - she starts off there every night, but comes into our bed at some point and in our sleep deprived comas, we just move over to make room for her.

This means we no longer need a crib.

I was surprised how sad this made me. I know we aren't having any more babies. I'm OK with that. I had to beg Rick for the last two (he says I lied to get Jane.) I really do feel like our family is complete. Maybe if Rick didn't work so much, maybe if Bek wasn't so old, maybe if we had family around, maybe if I was younger ... there's a lot of maybes - but what it comes down to is that our hands are full. I'm exhausted all the time. Also, I am SUPER sick when I am pregnant and just don't want to remove myself from my other kids lives for that long again.

We are finished.

But I didn't really have to face the reality of that until I had to get rid of the crib.

(all ready and waiting for baby Jacob)

As sick as I am when I am pregnant, I love the feeling of a baby moving and kicking inside of me. I love the intimate connection I develop with them before they are even born by getting to know their movements. I feel like I begin to understand their personality, and feel so privileged to host their growing bodies, to protect and nourish them from the start.

I love babies. I love how everything slows down when a new baby is born, and you retreat into your little world of just your own family and don't know or care about anything else that is happening "out there." I love the smell of their sweet little heads, and the feel of their silky soft skin and hair, I love the small puppy sounds they make. I love feeling them asleep on me and watching the rise and fall of their rapid breath. I love nursing, and holding them close. I love watching my older kids fall in love with them, and want to hold them and touch them. I love how our family feels when we have a new baby.
All of that was hard to let go of.

Anyway, I took the crib apart and put it up against the wall in Rebekah's room. I wasn't sure what to do with it. I really wanted to give it to my sister Tara, but she lives in Australia and it would be totally impractical to try and ship it there, not to mention that they plan on moving back here in a few years and then they'd have to haul it back.

I thought of trying to store it for grandchildren. I'd love that - but we don't have any room and it will be many years before we have grand kids. Again, practicality won out - paying years of storage fees could pay for 10 cribs! Maybe I could send it to my parents & keep it there? Mum has spent the last few trips packing me home with the last of my belongings from her house every time I visited, so I'm sure they wouldn't be excited about the idea of keeping a crib there indefinitely.

My parents bought me a nice crib when Rebekah was born, and I used it for Emily. After many years of storage and moving a few times the screws in the side became stripped. I tried to get replacements, but we couldn't. We thought Jacob might be our last baby, and it seemed silly to buy a new crib for just one child, but what could we do - we needed one.

I picked this one out, and loved it from the start. We had a house, and for the first time I (1) knew what the baby's gender was and (2) had a room to decorate in advance. I loved making up that little room, and picking out boyish colors and his nautical theme. I even finished painting the red dresser while in labor with him. (note to self - take a picture of the red dresser.)

I was delighted when I found out I was having Jane - among the happy reasons; I could use the crib again. Of course Jacob was only 10 months old, so he used it for a while after she was born and she started in the hammock, where all my babies start.
(Tara, the hammock is at Mum & Dad's, saved for you.)

This is a picture I took to sell it, and doesn't show how it was "girlied" up for Jane.
I'll have to look through my photo files and see if I can find one....

I couldn't just list it on Craigslist. I needed it to go to someone I knew, somewhere I could imagine it being used, and occasionally see the babe who would sleep in it. One of our favorite swimming teachers is expecting, so I e-mailed her with some pictures and asked if she'd be interested (I'd even trade for extra swimming lessons.) She already had one, but told me one of the owners from the swim school, who is also expecting, was interested. They have 18 month old twin girls and already own TWO cribs. They couldn't stand the thought of paying full price for a 3rd crib. I sold it to them CHEAP (seriously a deal.) Last week they came and picked it up.


It' gone and I'm OK with it. Pondering how quickly those babies moved through my life, has helped me savor all the other moments a little more - like three year old arms around my neck at night.

And the other day Jane told me she's going to have nine babies.
I hope she does, because being a Grandma is going to be FANTASTIC!